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The Conundrum… Choices for Canada… All Hail the New Overlord

July 4, 2013

(Originally posted on Facebook, April 22, 2011)

*This was a guide to the federal election 2011 style. Just so you know, my nickname is Toad.*

In the run up to the election it is hard to be objective and not pick sides. One must carefully analyze the options before making a determination about who is the best leader and what party best represents the interests of the constituent, the best interests of the riding, and the best interests of the country. These goals can often be at odds in the short term, so a balancing act of sorts is sometimes required to arrive at a decision. To assist in making an informed decision I’ve provided my own analysis below:

The Leaders:

Gilles Duceppe – A Norm MacDonald clone trying a poker bluff. Fakes outrage with the best of ’em. Cracks me up…

Elizabeth May – Not realistic or relevant. Want us all to freeze to death in the dark…

Jack Layton – Smarmy, want us all to die poor. Gives moustaches a bad name. For this he can not be forgiven.

Michael Ignatieff – At times warm and engaging, at others an alien from a frozen planet. Pseudo-intellectual that can’t articulate a position because he doesn’t really have one. Wants the top job and doesn’t know why.

Stephen Harper – Robotic. Ruthless. Emotionless. Possibly part Vulcan, possibly part wolverine. Feasts on the corpses of the vanquished. Reproduces asexually.

The Parties:

The Bloc – In the time-honoured tradition of Quebec they are extortionists, thieves, hypocrites and liars. Hate Canada, or at least the parts that won’t fit in their wallets. Many are educated at the finest English and American universities. Apparently this was very traumatic for them as they want to deny the rest of the Quebecois the same opportunity. (The uneducated make much better peasants and servants.) Will fight to the death for their Canadian pensions. Many seem to be immortal as they vividly remember the humiliation of losing on the Plains of Abraham in 1759.

The Greens – Delusional, likely frequent users of green. Have no idea that the leather in their Doc Martins comes from animals. Think solar and wind will keep us cosy duing those windless -40 Canadian winter nights. Could mostly use some solar powered soap and a good brushing. Don’t have positions on most subjects because it harshes their mellow man.

The NDP – Crazy, wild-eyed bastard children of la revolucion. Would appoint a God of Taxation and abolish successful businesses. One of their platform planks is to create jobs in the north by abolishing tax breaks for business. I am not making that up. They actually think INCREASING TAXATION is a business INCENTIVE. Do not under any circumstances eat or drink from the same vessel as an NDPer. It isn’t yet known if this illness is contagious, but it is suspected to be related to hydrophobia.

The Liberals – The natural governing party. Have always been in power, or in the process of assuming power. Rational policies are not needed. The Liberals have an endless supply of born leaders awaiting divine anointment. Masters of illusion. Keep us all young by taking our money and giving us an allowance. (And you bet I’d spend it all on beer and cigarettes.) The kind of people that show up overly dressed at house parties carrying a 6 pack, drink a dozen, and leave with a 24. Awaiting the ascension of Justin Trudeau, as vacuous and dewy-eyed a twit as one is likely to find in this dimension.

The Conservatives – Constantly strive to be second best. Even when in power they do their best to get back into opposition. Have principles and ideals that expire immediately upon taking power. Led by the unholy trinity of Baird, Flaherty and Harper… the Pitbull, the Magician and Darth Vader. The Pitbull constantly strains at his leash trying to get at the soft underbelly of the opposition (or fellow Conservatives if really hungry). The Magician makes giant piles of wealth disappear in a puff of smoke, replaced by a bottomless sinkhole of debt. Darth Vader might not be wearing the mask these days, but it’s still him just the same… pure evil and unadulterated lust for power. Can morph into Liberals at the drop of a hat, and in most cases are indistinguishable except for the nicer suits… and the constant scowling as if trapped on an elevator with a particularly noxious fart.

The Issues – The ongoing jitters in the world economy, tyranny fighting tyrants on multiple fronts, Islamofascism and terrorism, the global warming scam, the inebriated and totally ineffective UN, natural disasters of unimaginable destruction and expense, and on and on…

The Dilemna – Not one of the parties Canada has on the national stage is interested, let alone able, to tackle and solve any of these issues. What they will stress very clearly is that their opponents are also completely incapable of taking any meaningful action on anything resembling… anything. They are all partners in mediocrity, paralysis and inaction. But all will make damn sure the government, and hence taxation, continues to grow.

The Answer – After careful analysis of the situation I’ve come to the inescapable conclusion that none of this lot of career suckers of the public teat is worthy of our votes. The whole lot of them should be tossed out, banished, shunned… and ridiculed at every opportunity. I used to argue that it is important to vote, but I’m slowly awakening to the realization that they are all the same. So if none of them is worthy of a vote, what do we do? Our parliamentary democracy is irreparably damaged. What we need is a break from the everyday… a Kit Kat for the country… a benevolent dictator of sorts that will make tough decisions for the benefit of the people, whether the people agree or not. And I would like to be that selfless soul. All hail the new Maximum Leader. All hail the HypnoToad!

Remember, for swift and terrible retribution, vote TOAD

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From → Canada, Politics

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